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No Hard Feelings: Finding Inner Strength

No Hard Feelings: Finding Inner Strength

Teri Hutchinson January 20, 2019

Memories of you linger in every breath that I take. I can still hear your voice in the silence of the night. My best friend and the one I gave my all to. You still surround me, yet you’ve been gone for months. You are apart of everything that I do and I cannot escape it. There are days where I miss you so deeply I feel physical pain in every corner of my empty heart. There are days where I dread waking up because I know you won’t be there beside me. There are certain songs I can’t listen to without the memories flooding back and all my healing wounds being ripped open. There is not one day where you do not consume my mind. Maybe I’m crazy for missing you when so much pain was caused.

I came up with every excuse I could for you. There are certain places I cannot go without having vivid flashbacks of the arguments and the corresponding tears. Countless times I watched you break down, giving me the vain comfort that I wasn’t the only one hurting. I can still see the rose petals on my basement floor. There is not one day where these memories don’t affect me. There are days where I try to hate you and I want nothing more than to hate you for all the pain you caused me. But now I see the silver lining.

“Strength is bound in each and every one of us, but sometimes we have to break for it to be released.”

I came out of it broken and confused. I never understood how wrong it really was until I became fully transparent about these experiences. Although it wasn’t right, I believe we are all human. I watched you grieve over the decisions you made on impulse, and for that, I will always believe there’s good somewhere inside of you. There is not one day where I am not shaped by what you did to me. The way you put me down only allowed me to rebuild a better, version of myself. You never broke me in spirit. You taught me that loving someone else is never as important as loving yourself. But most importantly, you allowed me to find my own strength, and realize my own self-worth. You showed me how I deserve to be treated—and how I do not.

MY NEW, STRONGER SELF

I learned that some things can’t be controlled. Sometimes all you can do is handle it in a way that best serves you at the time. I spent so much time blaming myself for what happened to me, I spiraled into a depressive state. But I fought. I’ve learned to respond with the strength of heart—and that’s what matters to me today. I cannot change what was done to me, but what I can do is learn from the experience. I can work every day to regain my confidence and sense of self, however long that journey may be. Strength is bound in each and every one of us, but sometimes we have to break for it to be released.

There is not one day where I do not think about you. There is not one day, where I am not somehow grateful for what you did. With peace, I can finally say, no hard feelings.

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